It's hard to believe, but five whole months have passed since I last managed to sit down and write. Not because I've been too busy (although life with the Small People is always fairly relentless), but because every now and again, I experience a need to slow down, to unfocus a little and to turn inwards.
The Very Small Boy turned two in November; we had a Very Small party for him, after which we endured a long, cold winter. Snowed in with two small children for weeks on end, I built endless log fires and dreamed of freedom. As soon as the snow lifted enough to be able to drive, I joined a gym and from then until the first buoyant blooms of spring, I endlessly ran the treadmill; daydreaming, going nowhere fast.
We saw in the New Year contentedly - the Small Girl well-settled at Big School, The Very Small Boy happily attending playschool two mornings a week and DH looking forward to organising our new kitchen extension. But although I had achieved all the goals I had set out for myself in 2010 - finding more time for myself, getting fit, losing weight and mostly (if not exclusively) giving up alcohol, I felt tense and restless.
With the arrival of Spring, I am beginning to find my focus again. I have gone back to running outdoors, running longer and harder than before and pushing myself further. We've had some lovely sunny spring days, enjoying our time together as a family, and as the children grow slowly older and slowly more manageable, my life is becoming slowly easier.
I was sitting out in the garden the other day, when the Small Girl came running up to me, a writhing worm held aloft:
"Mum", she shrieked, "can you tie a bow in this for me?"
She looked slightly stunned at my laughter, my beautiful wild daughter: pale blue dress, long tangled hair, amused green eyes and muddy hands. And I realised then that I have absolutely no reason not to stop taking the antidepressants I needed a year ago. Perhaps it's time to turn my back on them and have a go at life on my own terms, without the pleasant mist of Venlafaxine distorting my focus. Perhaps...
